Conflict is something none of us can avoid, yet despite the fact that it is a part of life from a very early age, exposure and experience don’t always make it easier. While some people thrive on it, many of us find conflict deeply uncomfortable and in an attempt to make it go away, all too often we employ short term semi-solutions such as avoidance or unnecessary aggression.
Conflict in itself is not a bad thing–it can lead to a lot of positive change and innovation. Beginning by getting the kids to sort out the pros and cons of conflict helps them see that it is something to be managed rather than avoided.
Some Pros:
Opportunity to resolve a problem
Build communication experience
Can lead to good changes
Unavoidable
Some Cons:
Can be uncomfortable
Can bring up bad memories and negative self talk
Is difficult
Not everyone ‘plays fair’
Unavoidable
Having students reflect on what they do when they are angry is also a good starting point and leads into conflict styles. Do they turn anger outwards or inwards? What forms does that take? Does this resolve the conflict? How does it impact their relationships?
There are a few different general styles for dealing with conflict, each with their own short and long term pros and cons.
Conflict Style: Aggression
Characteristics
can be verbal (swearing, taunting, raised voice)
can be physical (getting in someone’s personal space, unwanted contact, using personal body language or objects violently)
Short term
aggressor can meet immediate emotional needs (relief)
non aggressor’s needs are not met, can feel violated, intimidated or dismissed
Longer term
aggressor burns bridges where there could be positive working relationships
non aggressor may avoid in future
issue is not resolved for both parties
Conflict Style: Passivism
Characteristics
avoidance (completely or with body language)
may give into other party immediately without stating or fully arguing their position
Short term
passive person can side-step the conflict and avoid initial unpleasantness
easier
non passive person may be unaware of conflict all together, or take advantage of ‘easy pickings’. Their immediate needs are met.
Longer term
passive person may have built up resentment/feel victimized
non passive person may still be unaware of issues or continue to take advantage
issue is not resolved for both parties
Conflict Style: Passive Aggression
Characteristics
most common-indirect aggression
takes the form or rumours, talking behind someone’s back, anonymous online posts
Short term
PA avoids immediate unpleasantness, while getting relief of channeled aggression/revenge (can feel satisfying)
non PA may be initially unaware of conflict
Longer term
PA may develop a negative reputation
non PA may be hurt by indirect aggression-relationships break down due to lack of trust
issue is not resolved for both parties
Conflict Style: Assertion
Characteristics
least common, particularly when emotional stakes are high
requires patience and compromise
goal is to resolve conflict for both parties
Short term
very difficult for most-can feel unnatural/uncomfortable
requires practice, patience and planning
both parties get some of what they want
neither party gets everything they want
Longer term
relationships and reputations remain intact and can improve with time
mutual respect
no emotional hangover
problem is resolved for both parties
Being assertive is the most effective way of resolving a conflict for everyone involved, but it is not easy. In my next post I will cover a system (credit to Friends For Life) for helping students practice assertive conflict management.
What Can You Do?
Have your child reflect on what they do when they are angry
Help them work through the results of what they do both short and long term (think about needs being met, relationships and the resolution of conflict itself